Oz and Oscar
by Troumvirate
Summary: To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Rose Garden. The relationship is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of RWBY most of the romance will go over a typical viewer's head. There is also Ruby's optimistic outlook, which is deftly woven into her characterization - her personal philosophy draws heavily from Monty Oum's motto, for instance.


There were way too many bodies in this house... hotel... school campus...? I don't even know where they are anymore. It's just some vague building, but it's large enough to house nine mixed gender people comfortably. Either way. Too many.

The presence of Yang Xiao Long was a problem. The fiery little bitch loved her sister, and not in the good way like Enabler fans would tell you. She would always be there to look after her sister. To protect her.

Qrow wouldn't be a problem. He was wrapped around the man... boy's... finger. A good and loyal idiot who would do anything he said. Anything. Too bad he didn't swing that way.

No, Ozpin was only interested in one thing. In one person. In one girl. His master plan was close to fruition. Ozpin has a plan. Ozpin always has a plan.

Rose Garden fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly _appreciate_ the depths of this plan, to realize that it's not just smart- it says something deep about LIFE. As a consequence people who dislike Ozpin truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the humour in Oz's existencial catchphrase "You have silver eyes," which itself is a cryptic reference to Five Nights at Freddy's: The Silver Eyes I'm smirking right now just _imagining_ one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Monty Oum's genius unfolds itself on their computer screens. What fools... how I _pity_ them. And yes by the way, I DO have a Rose Garden tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.

 _Oscar. Oscar,_ the disembodied voice in the child's head said.

Oscar rolled his eyes. He was trying to meditate or something. Something something unlock his aura and stuff. _What is it, Ozpin?_

 _Oscar, I need you to do me a favor. See Ruby over there?_

The boy looked to the girl sitting across the room on the couch. It was just the two of them in the room.

 _Yeah?_

 _I need you to tell her something for me. But don't tell her that it's me who said it._

 _O-okay, Ozpin. What do you want me to tell her?_

So Oscar stood up and went over to sit next to Ruby. The girl looked up from her comic book and into his creepy looking eyes. "Hey, Oscar. What's up?"

Oscar coughed lightly before beginning. "I- um. I think that huntresses are so cool. And so are weapons. I really wish I had a weapon."

Silver eyes lit up at those words. A look of pure excitement was on her face. "Really?" she squealed.

He nodded. "Yes. I think huntresses are really attractive. Even more so when all they're wearing is a red hood and carrying a giant scythe. Maybe someday you'll help me build my own weapon."

The grin on Ruby's face was utterly retarded. One might actually think she was if we already knew she wasn't.

 _Yes, Oscar. Good job, Oscar. She's breaking. Say the last line. Finish her!_

"And..." Oscar said. "I really wanna be a hero too. A hero who's a huntsman with an overly complicated weapon to kill like a billion Grimms with. I wanna save the day like the heroes in all the fairy tales..."

* * *

The springs on Oscar's bed squeaked with every heavy thrust into Ruby. The girl panted and moaned in delight as her rose bush was pounded mercilessly by Oscar's gardening tool.

 _Yes, Oscar! Yes! Now grab her tits! Oh this rose has blossomed since the last time I saw her._

The fact that an old man was talking in his head and telling him what to do did surprisingly little to kill Oscar's sex drive.

 _Yes! Give her a taste of your szechuan sauce!_

 _Ozpin, I'm trying to focus here._

 _Oscar. Let me take over your body for a while._

 _Gee Ozpin, I don't know if that's such a good idea..._

 _Oscar. You have to understand that I'm not an idiot. Do you think I'm stupid? That I didn't know Cinder's plan the whole time? Of course I did. I just let her win so that I could be reincarnated into a younger body. So I could finally pound this little rose into the dirt. Just like I did her mother._

There was something very wrong with all of this, but Oscar didn't care. It didn't matter if there was an old man living in his head. His love for Ruby was pure. Sweet. Innocent. There was nothing creepy at all about Rose Garden. No. Nothing at all. Just ignore the man behind the curtain.

Seriously. Ignore Ozpin. Just forget all about him. That'll make everything okay. Write your own headcanon and apply it to RWBY. Then get upset when the show doesn't adhere to your headcanon. After all, you're right and Miles and Kerry are wrong. What you want to happen is the most important thing in the world. This show is all about you. Go on tumblr. Go on reddit. Screech to your heart's content. Your echo chamber will comfort you.

The end.


End file.
